Late

It has been a week. I don't know that I am glad it is Friday. I have to work tomorrow morning for an hour or so doing paperwork. I am into overtime, so I guess that tells the story of my week.

We went to the movies tonight. We saw "Taken". It was really good. A nice way to spend a Friday night. We have seen three movies in the last three weeks or so. An unusual thing for us.

Everyone is doing well. David is busy with work, Nathan is liking his job, Leah did well on all her testing this week and Anna is on Spring Break.

It has been almost four months. It is so hard to believe. But what is even more amazing is how quickly you forget.....the sound of a voice, the stupid jokes, the constant stress, the petty annoyances, the life which was so intertwined with yours. I have forgotten the stress of having to worry over food, medications, who was staying home, who would take care of things, the late nights, the hospital visits, the doctor's appointments, the need for care.

When Steffen first got sick it was so scarey. I remember standing in a Cath Lab with Leah and the doctor telling us that Steffen had had a heart attack at some point. He couldn't tell us how long ago, but it had been more than months. I remember thinking that somehow that device being put into his chest would somehow take away the heart disease. Hard to believe how naive we were then.

I miss having someone put their arms around me. I can honestly say I miss touch. Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and tell me things are going to be ok. Whatever ok might be, they will be. I don't want perfection or even Steffen to be here necessarily; I just want someone to tell me it will be ok.

I find myself driving through the cemetery often. I don't know why. I know he isn't there. But it feels as though he is. On the days I am at my lowest it feels good to go there.

Life moves on. I guess that is the way of it. There is no other way. But the strange thing is this......all along I have honestly felt that having my husband die was the single hardest thing I had ever been asked to do. Believe me it is, but I have come to realize that it won't be the only hard thing I will be asked to do. I can see that all the things that happened over the years were preparing me for Steffen to die. I can see now that him dying is preparing me for other things. Strange how that works. Life is like that. Small things, then big things. I don't know how I am doing with this test. On most days I feel I am failing miserably, other days I feel like I can handle it ok. But I don't know that I will ever handle it well.

Way too often I just want my life back. Even though it was hard and imperfect and filled with chaos.....I want it back just so I can feel "normal".