To Love and Be Loved

I think, really, we all want that.  To love and be loved.  I know I do.  Sometimes it's easy and wonderful.  Sometimes it's hard and frustrating.  Right now, it's one of the hard and frustrating times.

When Matt's parents brought Leah's things we asked them to come in and visit.  They made time to do that, which I know Leah appreciated very much.  The conversation was wonderful.  Leah felt like she knew where Matt's parents stand and they knew how she feels.  Matt's dad said he would go home, have a long conversation with Matt.  Apparently it isn't going anywhere.

To love someone is the best feeling in the world.  To look at someone and "know".  Too bad that often we allow hurt to cloud our hearts.  Lately I have felt that it is really pride which drives us away from those we love.  I know in my own life that's true.  I allowed my pride to get in the way.

As my children get older I can see how Heavenly Father must somehow feel about me.  I can imagine there are many times he wants to ring my neck.  Only he is God who knows the beginning to the end.  I am only a woman who can see with my little bit of tunnel vision.

There is one thing I have learned for certain.  Heavenly Father loves us.  He is a God of miracles.  He never leaves us alone for one moment.  It is us who leave him alone.  We don't ask, seek him, or feel we need his counsel.  But he is there waiting.  I know the sadness I feel when my children are just trying to trudge through life without thought of what they're doing, I can imagine Heavenly Father's sadness is magnified.

I have no answers.  I can't force my children to do what I think is right anymore than my Father can force me.  DAMN!!!  I want to use a little force from time to time.

Life has been hard these last few weeks.  I miss Steffen terribly.  In ten days or so it's our wedding anniversary, this year 25 years.  I think that's a lot of what's causing the depression.  I want to talk to him, ask his opinion, have him be calm while I scream, give me some stupid joke, tell me all the latest gossip.  I want to be frustrated because he's on the phone, out "visiting", or just sitting on the couch.  I want him to make a huge mess in the kitchen which makes me mad, have him complain about anything and everything.  I just want him "here".  Funny how it works.  It's been long enough that really I shouldn't feel this way; and yet, it hasn't been long enough to not feel this way.

Some friends of ours went to the temple last week.  Tom sent a message that he felt Steffen there, that he's happy, fine, doing well.  I am sooooooo grateful for two things; Steffen let Tom know things are well and that Tom had that experience.  They were good buddies, Steffen and Tom, so I'm glad Steffen let Tom know all is well.

Life moves on.  David continues to plug away.  He is back to work full force.  Nathan is still "looking" for a job, (he is the one I would like to scream at the most), Leah is trying to figure life out, and Anna is just getting ready for her senior year.  And me??  Well, I'm just plugging away. 

Life is good.  We are healthy, happy, have a nice home, soft beds, enough food, good friends, love, and at the end of the day each other to rely on.  What more is there?