Sorry Its Been So Long

I have not fallen off the planet.  My computer has a very bad virus, so it has been a little harder to get to the college to update.  The library is only open until 5:00 because it is the break between semesters.  Today I actually have time to get with the program.

I hope you enjoy the new family photos.  We did them at the beginning of the month.  A girl Leah and I got to school with took them.  I think she did an amazing job.  We went out to the old Burton School where my girls went to school.  We had a fun time, laughed like crazy, and let Kymberli (our photographer) climb all over the old jungle gym to get some really good ones.

Life is moving right along.  Today is 20 months since Steffen left us.  I cannot believe it.  Time has flown by at a rapid pace.  I keep trying to think where I've been.  But here we are.  At the beginning of the month it was our anniversary.  This year would be 25 years.  That in and of itself is amazing.  So much has happened.

I have something which is on my mind; it has been for several weeks.  I have debated writing, but decided that I will.  The following is deeply personal to me.  So if you don't want to know a few details then thanks for visiting today.  If you choose to read then please know this comes from my heart, please don't judge me and know that I did debate at length.  I even talked to the person this is about to make sure it was ok to go over a few things.  I was given permission, so I am not doing this at random.

I seldom think before hand about this blog.  I sit, think about our lives, start typing.  Really the words come from a place I don't always understand.  When I am finished I read back over to try to catch typing errors, misspelled words, etc.  Occassionally I edit, but generally not often.  Today I pray the words come, the errors are minimal, and you can feel what I'm trying to say.

When I was 16 I met Mike.  "The boy", you know, the boy who made my heart sing, who I wanted above all others, the boy I completely expected to spend my life with.  I can't remember how we met, I remember our first date was to a movie, who knows what one.  Mike was just a year older than me.  When we met his parents were divorced, his mother had gotten remarried, he was living with his grandmother a few blocks from his mother and her new husband.  He had been in and out of trouble.  I don't really know to what depths.  I think at that point he had all ready dropped out of school.

During those few brief months of our lives I think we were completely crazy about each other.  Many things happened which weren't good.  Running away, being truant from school. lying, loving each other.  It was a completely chaotic time.  I look back now and think about my parents.  Wow, I put them through a really rough time.

But above all else I loved Mike.  Things ended almost as quickly as they began.  I can't really remember what finally caused the split.  But I do know for me I spent weeks in bed unable to move, I spent probably a year trying to figure things out.  About a year later he showed up, we stood in the street visiting.  It brought up all those "things" I had forgotten, mostly how much I loved him.

After we weren't dating I was baptized.  I had wanted to be the year before but my mother refused.  She didn't feel I was ready.  When Mike left my life I asked again and by then my mom felt like she was hearing music to her ears.  I guess I had been to hell and back, so maybe now was my chance to figure out life.  It helped, even though I often felt a million times older than the girls who I went to church with.

Over the course of years I have thought of him, wondered where he was, who he was, what he was doing, if he was married, a father, had he gotten his own life together, or had he fumbled along the way.  From time to time I have searched, wondering, but couldn't ever figure it out. 

It was finally a few months ago I was playing around on David's Facebook.  I decided to type in his name.  And there he was.  I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, was shocked, could not believe it.  I debated for a minute or two whether to send a message.  I decided to, it was a casual, Hey this is me, found you here, wanted to say hello.  The next morning there was a reply......I cried.

Over the course of days and weeks we visited.  A lot about that time, what had happened to us during those years, what was going on now.  Funny how I remembered the voice, the face was one that is implanted in my mind, the eyes the ones I had always wanted to see.  While we won't ever be more than friends I will always be grateful for a few brief moments in time that our lives crossed, as teenagers, as adults.  The man is someone I like, can respect, and am amazed has survived.  Our differences are enormous, our common things great.  I think I will always be sad that there wasn't a way for things to "be".

But I do know one thing.  I have known Mike since the beginning of time.  I know we were friends before we came here, I know we will have a better understanding of that when we are in a different place.  I look forward to that.  I have no idea why we're friends now, but I'm  glad we are.  The things I learn, have learned, and hope to continue to learn are great.  I will always be grateful for those moments.  The good and the bad.

Life has a way of being goofy.  Sometimes things happen which make no sense.  I do know that there is One greater than me.  And I'm really glad he gave me the gift of a friend.