A New Week

It seems like ages since I've written.  Believe me, I've come to this place to write just about everyday.  I have looked things over, tried to find the words, then logged out because I can't seem to find my place.

Over the last two weeks I have debated.  Debated writing about my family.  I've used this forum for many things.  To grieve, vent, share happiness, sadness, just to be.  I don't really know the scope of who reads here.  So I've been hesitant to write.  I don't want judgement.  But last night Anna and I were talking.  She said she really doesn't care what others opinions are.  She said as long as she knows the truth other people can think what they want.  It doesn't matter to her.  Unfortunately I'm not like that.  To a certain degree I care what others think.  But today I realize Anna is right.  I know the truth.  In the end that's all that matters.

Two weeks ago Nathan got arrested.  He lost control, was hurting Anna, we had no choice but to call the police.  He was taken out of our home in handcuffs. He spent 7 days in jail.  There are fines to pay, probation to serve, time to figure out what's going on, who he is, and hopefully to find his way home.

The court placed a protection order.  He is not allowed to live here.  He is in transitional housing provided by the county.  He is living with three other guys.  Today we go to court to see if the protection order stands or will be removed.  The ball is in Anna's court.  The judge will talk to her and only her. 

I have talked to him several times.  I have told him he is not allowed to live here.  I don't care what the court decides.  He can live in transitional housing for 90 days.  If it needs to be longer then that can be worked out.  I have also told him this is a defining moment.  Either he decides to figure out what's going on or he doesn't.  I pray he decides to make himself better.

Honestly I would have NEVER thought we would be in this situation.  I mean, what parent wants their child arrested??  Not me.  Not me.  For the most part I've been OK with this.  I did have one night I cried myself to sleep.  But in the  end there has been a tremendous amount of peace.  Life is what it is.  I have no control over it. 

At first I didn't want anyone to think I am a bad mother.  I didn't want their to be judgement that somehow I screwed up, so my son screwed up.  Believe me, I haven't been a perfect mother, but I do know Nathan knows better.  He has been taught better.  In the end he has his own agency.  It kills me.  There is little I can do.

I know the Atonement is real.  I pray that Nathan learns that lesson.  That he uses it to become the man he can be.  I don't know the end of this story.  Darn!!!  I always like reading the last few pages of a book first.  Too bad we can't do that in life.

So in the end I say. God lives.  He loves us. He wants us to be better.  He brings peace when it seems impossible.  He does send the comforter.  He is right there, he wants us to come to him, lay our burdens at his feet.  He often carries us when we can't carry ourselves.   He gives hope to the hopeless.  I pray He brings all of those things today.