It is just after 8am. I'm dead tired. Working on maybe five hours of sleep, in actuality probably less. I went to bed sometime early in the morning, but couldn't sleep. I lay there for what seemed like hours random thoughts running around my mind. Mostly thinking about how much I want my life back.
I feel very victimized right now. Things happening which I have no control over. I'm all right with that, it isn't so much that I want control as much as I want "normal". I'll take it in any form. Unfortunately there is no normal and won't be for a time.
Over the course of the last two years I've come to realize that my children are grown, in so many ways outside my circle of influence, adults who make decisions, sometimes ones I'm not crazy about. I'm in the process of learning to let go. I've decided it is a process. They have to do their own thing and take what comes to them. There is good in that. But there is also pain. For them. For me. For those around who might be watching.
I'm also learning that even in all of this growing I am still a mother. One who cries over everything. (Really it can be good or bad and I'm crying like a baby.) It keeps coming to my mind that so much of how I feel must be some of what Heavenly Father feels. Only He knows the beginning to the end. I just know a small moment in time. I can't see the lessons, how it will play out, what growth will come, or what walls will take a long time to climb. Often I wish I could see the end instead of the beginning.
I know this sounds so vague. Right now it has to be. Let's just say.....right now is a growing period. It hurts. Not just my child, but me, my other children. There have been tears, sleepless nights, time spent staring at nothing. Often the feeling of being completely alone. There are no easy answers, no quick fix, no magic wand to make it all go away. Only time, to learn, to grow, to heal, to forgive, to pray, to look forward and yet, look back.
This morning the sun is shining. It gives me hope for better things.
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