The Last Night

Tomorrow morning Leah heads east.  Sadly. 

The car is packed.  It is loaded to the gills.  The house feels empty.  The closet has been cleaned out.  The walls have lost a few of their pretties.  But tonight one young woman is safely sleeping, ready to embark on a new journey.

I keep thinking she should only be about 6, maybe 7.  But she's grown.  A woman of her own.  She's had a lot of experiences in life.  She is more sure of herself.  More determined.  Ready for something new.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

Anna came over tonight.  For the first time in weeks, my Anna was here.  The beautiful, determined, smart daughter.  Oh, how I have missed her.  I pray she returns again.

I hugged her tight.  Told her how much I love her.  Tonight prayed the light will be able to return for her.

As this day ends I have just 32 days of school left.  WOW!!!!  If I hadn't been sick so much in May, I would be A LOT closer, but, oh well, life happens.

I have no idea what I'm doing after school.  When I'm taking boards, where I will work.  Honestly, I keep trying to figure out why in the world I needed to go to beauty school.  I still don't have the answers.  Maybe someday I will.  Hopefully.  Like tomorrow.  Or maybe tonight.  Right now??

In just a few days it will be 21/2 years since Steffen left us.  David asked if we could drive through the cemetery tonight.  We did.  It seems a lifetime ago he was here.  I can't bring his voice to my memory.  How I wish he would call, say, "hello,dear".  Or call me, "Dawnie". 

Life was not perfect.  It was hard.  A lot.  Often.  So often.  But tonight as the kids and I sat for a few minutes in the cemetery we laughed about the things he would say or do.  Like go to the store for eggs, be gone for hours, come home with no eggs.  He had seen at least a billion people he knew and had caught up with everyone.

Or how he knew the history of nearly every family in town.  His stupid jokes.  No one laughed at them.   Steffen did.  He thought he was much funnier than he really was.  Or how the radio would be blasting and he was singing words to songs that were not the words to the song on the radio. In actuality probably not the words to any song on any radio at anytime.  How he would see someone and say "hey, they look like so and so."  In reality, they looked nothing like so and so. 

How I miss Steff.  But I know he will be watching over his daughter.  Making sure she's safe.  In her travels.  In her new life.  Just in general.  I know he's proud of her. 

So tonight, the end of an era.  Once upon a time there were six.  Now there are just two.  I love you, LeahRee.   Go safely.  I will miss you.