Sunday

A very quiet day.  My first Sunday in over 25 years to go to church alone.  A very weird place to be.  Someone asked how I was doing, I immediately teared up.  

I'm sitting at the computer tonight, playing some stupid game that I seldom win.  It is mindless and sometimes I need mindless in my life. 

Every time I sit to play this game all sorts of things float through my mind.  I usually end up crying my eyes out about one thing or another.  I've almost got myself convinced I shouldn't play anymore, I don't need to make myself more depressed.

But tonight as I have sat here going over things words have come to my mind.  Something which hasn't happened in some time.  I decided to get them down while their fresh.

I am 46 years old.  In a few months I will be 47.  I wear glasses, have more gray hair than dark, carry a few too many extra pounds, live in a very small space, have a limited amount of education, and to top it off I'm a widow with four children.

I became a widow at 44.  While that isn't as young as many women might be, it is still young, much tooooooo young.  Today as I sat in Sacrament Meeting I was thinking of it.  

Then I started thinking about my children.  I cannot put into words how much I love my children.  There just aren't enough words.  Or my vocabulary doesn't have enough, or maybe it is just I can't explain it.  I'm not really sure.  But ohhhhh how I love them.

Along the way there have been good and bad which have happened.  To me, to them, to all of us.  But in the end we have each other.  Something I am so grateful for.

Tonight as I sit here it occurs to me, everyone is carrying a burden.  Something.  Hurt, anger, sadness. bad choices, bad health, husbands, wives, children, neighbors, etc.  Off the top of my head I think of my friend who expecting a baby, having complications, hoping she is able to finish school, then rest so her baby gets here.  Another friend who is dealing with the uncertainty of a new place.  Hurt which has left lasting marks, hopeful that good things will come along.

For some of us our burdens are visible.  Mine are, always have been.  But not every one's are.  Many of us are masters at keeping them hidden, unknown.  Others can't let anyone live without the whole world knowing what is going wrong in their lives.  I'm not sure which is better.

But  I do know one thing.  Today in church I was taught that there isn't one thing which happens in my life that my Savior hasn't experienced.  Every feeling I feel or have felt, so has he.  And in the end he loves me.  He gave himself as ransom for me.  Even me.

Sometimes I forget.  I seem to believe I'm the only one.  Nothing like I am dealing with has happened to anyone on the planet.  While I personally don't know anyone who is in their 40's and a widow.  It has happened, does happen.  I'm not alone in my struggle.

As I think of children who have chosen a different path I realize that I am not alone.  Their are others who have experienced the same.   I know my Heavenly Father must feel so much of the same angst over children who have chosen a different path.  Only for him it has to be harder, he knows who those children are, what they are capable of.

I guess what I'm thinking, yes, we do need to be a little kinder to those around us.  No we don't have any idea what they are experiencing.  But we also need to be a little more tolerant of those around us.  Believe me I've felt a lot of guilt over children.  I've gone over things in my mind trying to figure out what I possibly did wrong.  What did I do.  I'm sure there's plenty. 

But I don't have any reason to be "better" than someone else.  We're all doing the best we can with what we have.  And some days are better than others. 

So tonight I think I will work harder to be kinder.  Gentle.  More patient.  Less frustrated.  It won't cost me a thing.  Maybe in the end I will be better for it.

As I end tonight, it is dark, very quiet, David is sacked out on the couch with a bad headache, I've spent a large portion of this day alone.  But I know, God lives.  He loves me.  Even me. And he loves you.  Even you.  He knows your burden.  He will carry it for you.  You just have to let him.  Tonight I think I might be brave enough to ask him to carry mine.