Wednesday

I haven't forgotten about this place.  As you can tell I've changed things around a bit.  I've come here from time to time.  Looked things over.  Left without saying a word.  I haven't had any.

Today is one of those days.  The kind where if the pressure doesn't kill me I might make it to the next thing.  While I'm not going to do this.....I read a news article this morning about a mother who killed herself and her three children.  I repeat.....I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS.........

But there is part of me which understands.  I can see why.....the pressure, the uncertainty, the feeling of there being no other way.  I can't remember how old the children were.  Just that they were young.  I feel terrible that a mother felt there was no other way.  But I can see why she felt that way.

I am nearly done with school.  I have 9-11 days left.  It depends on who you talk to about how much time I have left.  Or how off the counting of my hours are.  Or perhaps, how many hours I make up.  Mostly just how soon "they" decide to release me from hell.

When the voice came to me to go to beauty school I fought against as hard as I could.  It didn't work.  You can plainly tell who won.  When I first started school I was excited.  As time has moved forward the excitement left.  In its place  the questions began as to why I was there.  It is clearly outside my comfort zone.   I am not thrilled being in school with young women.  Honestly, I don't like them.  Or at least very many of them.  It has been harder than I expected to be taught by young women my kids ages.  While a few are quite good at what they do.......there are some who are just trying to move up the ladder.  I'm not a ladder mover, so I don't really get that......

All I can really say, I am sooooo looking forward for it being over.  I'm not sure when I'm taking my licensing exam.  Maybe September, but maybe not til October.  Who knows?  I really don't care.

Life is hard right now.  While I have been through some really hard things, this seems to take the cake.  I'm ready for some breathing room.  I wonder if there is such a thing.   Life moves on.  David has state games for Special Olympics this weekend.  Today he came to get his hair cut.  A friend helped me use a tool called "tattoo".  We put the Special Olympics symbol in David's hair.  It looks cool and he is thrilled.  Nathan continues on.  Leah is finding her place in the Midwest.  She loves her singles branch, is figuring out where she's going a bit more.  Anna, well, she continues on. 

Sometime in these next few days it will be four years since Steffen was first diagnosised with Congestive Heart Failure.  Hard to believe.  Many things forgotten.  Many things which will never be.  Tonight, I miss him.  I could use a good dose of stupid jokes, a little gossip, or perhaps, just a long chat.