Mindless

I think that one word describes it all. I am mindless. I slept little lastnight. This morning Leah told me what a bitch I am and how much she hates me. I have thought of little else today.

I wonder how I have gone from being a mom to being someone I don't even recognize. Is this what someone dying does to you?? Because if it is I hate it even more. I honestly thought I was doing pretty well, then this week has just gotten so off track. I can't seem to find my way back on track.

I can't even explain how much I need to talk to Steffen. In spite of our differences we could usually talk about things and figure it out. He remained calm while I was out of control. Then we came to some sort of understanding. I miss not having him here to talk to.

It is so strange. I tried to tell the kids earlier in the week that my entire adult life I have been someone's wife or mother. I am no longer a wife and my mothering skills are getting rusty. I don't quite know what to do with myself. It is one of the huge things which is bothering me. I have to find a new way; I just haven't figured it out yet.