Random Things

It is so strange to think that because someone died your life could be blessed by it.

Nathan has been texting me most the afternoon. He has told me how many blessings have come from him being in Kansas. He has TWO jobs, is working hard, wants to do good things and is finally developing a relationship with his Heavenly Father.

He told me that someone mentioned that Steffen has to be helping him. I agree.....How could a husband and father leave his family and NOT want to help them??? I think he is every minute that he can.

I hadn't thought about it before, but now I can see, Steffen is here. He is still part of us. He knows what is happening here and he wants us to be happy and doing good. He is not hampered by the limitations of mortality. I am so glad to realize that.

It has been an extremely long time since I really could say I know that God lives, He loves us. But I have come to the place....I know He lives, we are His children and He wants us to be happy. Part of mortality is the test. I don't think it is so much what kind of test as much as what we do with it. I mean do we allow it to keep us from moving forward or do we keep moving forward even when it seems impossible? I want to keep moving, lately it seems impossible.

We will survive this test. We have so far, now it is time to begin living again and not just existing.

I think I will grieve for a very long time. Much longer than I could have ever thought possible. But it is ok. It is ok to miss Steffen, want him here and just want things to be "normal" whatever that might be. But it is also ok to pick up and move on....he would not want us laying down and not able to think. Although I am fairly sure he is getting a kick out of the fact we are so lonely. Who would have thought????

Leah, Matt, and I have been reading The Holy Temple. It is an excellent book and has given me a great deal of peace. What a privilege it is to have temples to go to and to allow us a small glimpse into things.

One month from today is the wedding. It is hard to believe. I am looking forward to those kids being married. Yes, to get them out of my house, but mostly to watch them move forward, establish their family, figure out how they want to run their lives and what is important to them. It will be interesting to see how they do things.

I am so proud of them. They are good kids who are trying to do good things. It hasn't been easy, but they keep plugging away. I am proud of them for that.

It is cold, rainy, snowy here today. I don't think the sun has been out for several days. I am so looking forward to sunshine.