Random

It is a cool rainy day in Idaho.  It snowed on Saturday, the wind blew, the sun was out.  I'm trying not to think about it too much.  I know someday the sun will shine, the windows will be able to be opened, the furnace will go off for a season, and life will be good.  I talked to my dad for a minute this morning.  He had to turn the air conditioner on. 

Yesterday was seventeen months.  Steffen's been gone longer than he was sick.  I went to the cemetery with Leah and cried.  For some reason this month is really hard.  I don't know why.  Missing him a lot and wishing things were different. 

I have been thinking a lot about my life.  Wondering about random things: people, places which have made me who I am.  When I was in high school I had a friend who was struggling to find his place in the world.  Because of that I wanted to be a social worker who helped troubled kids.  I was troubled too, but saw in my friend how things could have been for me.  As I got older and David's challenges became part of my life I wanted to help families like mine.  Then my husband got sick....funny how that works.  But the desire to help people who are dealing with or who have dealt with things I have hasn't changed.

I am debating whether to fight with the college so I can take one class in the fall.  I want to: but I don't want to play the game.  But I need to finish, there isn't that much left and it would be so ridiculous to leave it.  Plus I guess I want it for David, Nathan, Leah, and Anna, as much as for me.   So I guess I fight the fight.  Wish me luck and pray hard that the college gods let me in.

Leah had a bit of a melt down yesterday.  She was visiting with one of our neighbor girls.  She has been married two years and is expecting her first baby.  Leah came home and cried.  She feels that it won't ever be her turn.  She loves Matt and wants life to be different.  I just held her hand and let her cry.  She rarely does so it was good to let some of it out.  It's hard to think that life will be any different than it is right this moment, so I try not to let into the whole cliche that things will be ok, she'll come out on the other side better, stronger, she's better off.  I know how hard it is to believe any of that at this point, so she is better off grieving for what's lost for a bit.

Life is surely an adventure.  Never know what's around the corner or what exactly is in store.  Sometimes you are just along for the ride and sometimes you have the ability to take control.  Right now...well....I'm along for the ride hoping that it's better and the surprises won't be so shocking.

Happy Monday!!!  I am off to pick up kids for lunch, take them lunch and try to squeeze in a little housework.