Awakening

It isn't quite as late as the last few times I've written.  But late enough that I should be ending my day.  But here I am, sitting at the computer letting the words find themselves.  Last week I wrote a wonderful entry (at least I thought it was wonderful) when I went to post it the computer froze.  When all was said and done I lost the entire thing.  Later I tried to rewrite, but the words were gone.  I have spent the last few days trying to go over in my mind what I need to say.

This week has been eventful at best.  Nathan left last Wednesday night.  He made it to Alaska.  He is at Bristol Bay.  I haven't had a chance to look at the map to see where it is.  He called on Friday to let me know they had made it safely.   The company has about 500 people who work there.  When they got there last week just about 200 were there.  He said Alaska is a totally different place than you could expect.  They had worked Friday cleaning.  A rabbi and Muslim cleric ( I have no idea what his title would be) were coming to see if it was clean enough so the cannery could begin canning kosher.  I haven't heard from him since so I have no idea if it was clean enough.

It is quiet when there is one less person in the house.  So life is quiet with the girls and David.  Anna went long boarding with Adam several nights ago.  She called me late to tell me she probably needed to go to the ER.  She had fallen off the long board and thought she had broken her arm.  Thankfully after xrays there was no broken arm, just a bad contusion.  Her elbow has a huge scrap which is pretty deep.  Then today she goes long boarding with Adam again.  She came home with an enormous rip in her jeans and scraps on her hands.  She was going around a corner at the park, there were several college girls walking taking up the entire sidewalk so Anna had to jump off the board to keep from hitting the girls.  She got a scraped knee and hands, knuckles, and shoulder.  The long board is mine for the next 30 days.  I told her if she gave me any lip about it it would be 60.

Last week my friend, Mary came to see me at school.  We haven't visited much lately so she decided she would come get a manicure.  It was fun.  We had a good visit about her family and mine.  We have known each other for nearly thirty years. (ouch, sorry to admit that, but since we were just 2 when we met it isn't so hard to swallow!!! )  We got married just days apart, my kids and some of hers are the same ages, she understands the trauma of chronic illness, came the morning I really needed a friend.  It was good to catch up.  We need to do that more often. 

Tomorrow is eighteen months.  Hard to believe.  It seems like forever ago.  In just a few weeks it will be three years since we got the news and the journey of congestive heart failure began.  I think I'm glad to be on this side of it, but there are many times I could really use one of Steffen's stupid jokes or a little gossip in my life.  Today is one of those days.

I have been depressed lately.  Today is a day where I could easily be curled up under the bed and not feel terrible about it.  I can't put a particular name to why I'm in this funk.  Usually I can work through it pretty easily, this time I'm having a little harder time.  But there are things I want to say, so I will try to take the jumble of my mind and put it into some sort of order.

Over the last month or so I have had an opportunity to evaluate life.  I have had to think about who I am, who I have been, who I want to be.  It has been good for me.  For so long I have been "Dawn", a wife and mother.  While I'm not really a wife these days and my role as a mother has changed I have had to think about who I am. 

I realized that for so long I ignored me.  In the midst of living I forgot about "Dawn".  I forgot who I was, what I enjoyed, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be, what was important to me.  So I have been on this journey of discovery.  I'm finding out that "Dawn" is really a person I can like.  I have learned that I like mornings, the house is quiet, there is time to read, listen to the quiet, get myself organized before the chaos begins with the kids.  I'm learning that I do have a voice, it is OK to not be in sync with the world around me.  I like to take walks, I've been hiding behind the pillar of weight, I'm learning to cook, write more, better, stronger, that I am a good mother, daughter, friend.   That in spite of what I consider weakness there is strength which is mine. 

A friend of mine challenged me to write a song.  Today I got a rough draft (a VERY rough draft) of a song.  The words came from a place I can't even think about.  I don't know that I will ever share it with anyone but my kids.  But I wrote a song!!!   So in this world which is complex I am discovering who I am.  There is an awakening. 

It seems that sometimes it is too late for change.  But I am learning it is never too late.  Who we are is something which evolves over time, through experience, because of change.  So I'm evolving.  There is so much of life to live, so many things to see, do, experience.  I would never consider myself old (most of the people I'm related to or friends with are actually older than me, so they can get as old as time and I will still be younger!!!)  But for a long time I have thought I was too old to do things, learn something new, change who I am, be better, stronger, learning in each day there is something new.

Much of my life is monotonous.  I mean, come on, I go to school five days a week, clean the house, do the laundry, make dinner, drive, fight with the kids, sleep, walk the dog, etc. etc. etc.  But in the monotony of each day there is something new.  Sometimes it is something as simple as fixing a really good dinner where everyone raves or actually making it through twenty minutes of a workout instead of five.

Life moves on.  Really we are well.  We have warm beds, enough to eat, and the love which only is shared within our family.  There is peace in that.