Late Night

It is late.  I really should be ending the day.  But for the first time in ages there are words which want to be written which actually want to make sense.

I did find I can update from Leah's phone.  In theory a good idea, in practice not so good.  I have such terrible upclose vision that I can't see the letters and Leah's phone is a little too high tech for me.  It is a touch screen which I can't ever figure out.

We are doing well.  Leah's divorce is final.  A terribly bittersweet moment.  She feels liberated.  I continue to feel sad.  I will get over it eventually.  But it's a sad deal.

This week is my sweet David's birthday.  He will be 24.  So hard to believe my sweet brown eyed boy is in his twenties.  I would not change on moment of being David's mother for all the "normal" boys I could have.  Yesterday I was teasing him about how much I love him.  He told me he only "loves me like a friend".  I told him I thought that was rude.  He just kept laughing.  Leah finally looked at me and said the truth hurts.  It sure does.  My sweet boy whom I love endlessly loves me only like a friend!!!  I guess that's better than nothing.

I finally got Anna to the doctor today.  She hasn't felt well for months.  The last two days she has done nothing but sleep.  The doctor thinks she is insulin resistant.  So next week I am taking her for the testing.  If she is she will be put on meds and have to change her diet.  After months of her not feeling well I really am hoping it is something that simple.

Nathan is leaving in about two weeks.  He is going to work in Alaska for five weeks or so.  He is going with a friend who has been there for several times.  He is looking forward to going.  I am looking forward to him being gone.  While I love my son very much, I really don't like him well these days.  The break will be perfect for both of us.  I am hoping he gets nearly worked to death.  It might do him good.

Really this post tonight is for a friend of mine.  We have known each other since high school.  We were fairly good friends then.  During the years since we have lost touch but have "found" each other.  It is funny to get reaquainted with someone you used to know.  Sometimes its hard to look past the kid you knew and think about the adult who exists. 

I don't really know what my friend believes in the area of God, religion, who we are, where we came from, etc.   When I mentioned that I was LDS that put a different spin on things.  I wasn't when I was in high school so it was a bit of a shock, I'm sure.  I don't try to bring up religion.  I don't feel there is a place for it to put walls between friends.  I am who I am.  I try to let that speak for itself.  I don't preach, I will answer questions, tell you what I understand, but also respect who you are and what you believe.

With all that said....tonight I have to preach.  I know, I promised I wouldn't..........really I don't do it.  Well, ok.....maybe once in awhile to my kids.  BUT for a minute I will preach.............because I feel that there are things which need to be said.  Please indulge me and know that I am not meaning to hurt your feelings in anyway.

How I got from there to here is a journey.  It began after we weren't friends anymore.  I guess it really began when our friendship was winding down.  You picked a different path.  It lead to hurt, heartache, sadness, and darkness.  My path had those things too.  While I have never been through the experiences you have I known hurt, heartache, sadness, and darkness well.  At times they have been my friends.  Our journeys while different are really much the same.  We were trying to figure out who we were, where we fit in, what we wanted to be.

Sometimes it was hard.  Very hard.  There were times I felt I wouldn't make it.  Or that I couldn't have one more thing given to me.  The load was too much to bear.  I couldn't do it, I wasn't strong enough, good enough,  or capable enough.  But somehow I made it.  Every "thing" put in my path I made it through.  Not always well, but I made it.  In doing so I became "me", this person who was a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend.  I haven't always been terribly good at those things either.  But in the end I learned how to be better at each of those.

So now I'm in this place.  I could have never expected it.  I don't honestly think that when I agreed to it that I really "knew" what I was getting myself into.  I am certain I would have said "no" otherwise.  But obviously I said it was ok.  Because here I am. 

I believe that we have a loving Heavenly Father.  He knows us.  We lived with him before we came here.  He gave us a glimpse of what our experience here would be and we agreed to it.  I believe he knows us better than we know ourselves.  He knows what we are capable of, what we can handle, what we need to make us better, and what will give us strength. 

I know that during those moments that we lived with him you and I were friends.  I would like to think we were good friends.  I believe that before we came here we were told that when we got to this place called earth that we would find each other. You came just a few months before me.  (I am soooooo glad you are sooooo much older than me.  HA!!!)   Get aquainted, then for a time lose track.  But I believe that I made a promise that I would find you.   So here we are.  I believe friendships have no beginning or ending.  I believe that when we have someone we are good friends with and have many things in common that it is because we "knew" each other in a different time and place.

I don't have a clue about what Heavenly Father's plan is.  Really I would be the LAST person to even venture a guess.  But I do know that when he gives us opportunities we need to take them.  (Too bad I am just now learning that.)  So here's my chance........I want you to know a few things about me.   I know hurt, heartache, light, joy, happiness, pain, sorrow, grief, regret, anger, love, and peace.  I wouldn't trade one minute of any of the experiences of my life which have made me who I am.  Even the ones which I was certain I wouldn't survive.   I have lived much of my life on the edge.  The edge of what I believe, of who I am, of what I know to be right and wrong.  I have found there is more solid footing closer to the light.  

I don't know the answers, heck I seldom know the questions.  But I do know that so much of what we do has to be in faith.  Faith in God, that he know what's best for us, faith in ourselves that we can do it, faith in taking a step into the darkness even when it seems impossible.  So I have faith.  Faith that whatever I need to be doing I will do.  Whatever needs to happen will happen.  Whatever needs to be fixed will be fixed.   So I ask you..........have faith.  In yourself, your capabilities, your family, your hopes, dreams, and all things which you feel you should.  Know that Heavenly Father is guiding you.  He won't ever stop.  He loves you.  You are his child.  He is rooting for you to come out on top.  You have endured much.  I can't even guess.  But I know you are strong. 

So I have no idea why at this time in life our paths cross.  Really I have no clue.  But I'm here.  You are my friend always and I won't ever stop.  I will never judge you, look down on you or for one minute believe that I am somehow better than you.  Really I have no place to do any of those things.  At the end of the day we are just people who are trying to do the best we can.

I would have never guessed that we would be friends again.  I could not have imagined that.  But I am so glad we are.  I really like the person you have become.  So this journey moves on.  Life is never what we expect.  Sometimes it is better. 

:)