We are closing in on two years. Hard to believe. It seems like just a few weeks ago Steffen was here, we were taking turns staying home, having to help him with everything, trying to keep him quiet, resting, off the phone. :)
But here we are......time has passed and I have to admit it has gone fast. Maybe that's better for us, who knows?! Many things running through my mind. I will try to make things make sense.
First the best news we have.....Leah will be finished with school next week!!!! She is taking state boards the middle of January. She was part of the graduation ceremony last Friday. So hard to believe the end is here. She keeps saying it is bittersweet. The other best news......Anna got ACCEPTED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF UTAH!!!!!!! She is THRILLED. The letter came in the mail Saturday. She starts classes the end of August. She would not apply to any other college and frankly I was concerned, but it paid off. She doesn't know many details yet, but should over the course of the next few weeks.
Can I just say I cannot believe Anna is a senior and going to college and growing up and becoming this young woman who wants to explore the world?!!! She needs to be four and like Happy Meals, preschool and Barbies. She will be 18 in just a month. WOW!
Even though Thursday is "officially" two years, this day is the day where things went wild. The Friday before Steffen died there was no school for Anna. Steffen has asked alllllll day to see Adam. When Adam finally got there in the afternoon Steffen asked if Adam had come to see him or see Anna. Adam was firm in that he had come to see Steffen. Adam had just finished saying he was there to see Steffen and Steffen says "liar". It was so funny.
We spent that weekend just home. On Sunday it had been the Christmas program at church. I had tried to everyone up, but no one would budge. We ended up home all day. On Monday there was a huge snowstorm. I got my car stuck in the driveway trying to back out to go to work. It was afternoon before anyone could help dig me out. Matt and Leah went to town, got stuck a few times, Matt lost his phone, it got run over. Anna and David went to Adam's that evening, Adam's mom brought them home in a terrible storm.
The Saturday before Steffen died he was up making soup for a ward Christmas party. On Sunday he called his mom and asked to talk to his sister, Becki. On Monday he was up sitting on the edge of the couch. He REFUSED to rest, let the morphine do its job. During those last few weeks he even kept bugging the hospice nurse about going to a Christmas Eve party that is held at the church. Everytime she came he would ask if he could go to that party. And everytime she would patiently tell him something like probably not.
Those last few hours were so hectic. Matt was sleeping on the couch, Anna on a bed in the living room floor. Anna had been up once through that night with Steffen because he was awake, sitting on the edge of the bed. Anna managed to get him back to bed. Several hours later he was up again, but had fallen to the floor. Between five of us we tried to get him back in bed. I called the hospice nurse, she was in Idaho Falls, we were having a blizzard, so there was no way for her to get to us. She told me to just make a bed on the floor and let him be there, I did. I went back to bed, told Matt and Anna that I would be up in two hours. I set the alarm. Probably not even an hour later Matt was standing in the kitchen hollering that Steffen was awake again.
I went into the bedroom. Steffen had moved himself around the other side of the room. He kept asking for help......I know he wasn't asking for anyone of us to help him. Whoever was there to take him home he needed their help getting there. By 4:30 that Tuesday morning he was gone. We cried, screamed, were shocked, had just witnessed a "thing" for which there are no words.
In no time the head hospice nurse was there, she had all ready called the funeral home. Out of everyone David was the most traumatized. At about 5:45 I looked at Leah and told her to take David and Anna to town, get us food, call me first before she came home. It was better that the kids weren't there.
Weird the things which I can remember. I don't really remember those things daily. But when I have to I do. Today, I guess, I have to.
Those days between his death and the funeral were spent at a frantic pace. We went to dinner on Christmas Eve, we sat there and kept wondering who was with Dad. Then we remembered we didn't need to be. So weird to be out and about and not have to think about who was staying behind.
Over the course of these two years a lot has happened to us. Some good; school, a move, new friends, old friends found, work, travel, a wedding. Some bad: lost souls, hard times, divorce, sickness, heartache, and just plain old life. But honestly while much of the hard are not things which are desired or wanted or even really on our agenda we have all grown from.
It keeps going through my mind that we aren't given what we can't handle. Believe me these last few weeks I have questioned that. Really?? I could do without a few things. But I can see that all the years before Steffen got sick it was leading to him getting sick, then that was leading us to him leaving, now all of those experiences have lead us here. I could do without quite so much leading, thanks.
There are a few things I was thinking of about Steffen this week. He was ornery. Really....he would do naughty things, just because. I'm sure they began as attention getters, it progressed to just because. He had a paper route much of his teen years. He had 100% attendance to early morning seminary all four years. He wrecked two cars in two days, he made friends where ever he went, didn't give a rip what others opinions of him were, he held no grudges, if something should stay secret, it was. There are plenty of things he literally took to the grave. He loved food, cooking, watching the news, telling rotten jokes, hated the animals which clouded our lives, was terrified of change, was often afraid of trying new things. He hated yard work, didn't have a clue about a car, was a lousy driver, would sing words to songs that didn't belong to that song. He talked on the phone for hours, couldn't figure out a cell phone well, was not good with the internet. He met President Hinckley once, just after his dad died, when he got home I asked him if when meeting him if he just "knew" President Hinckley was a prophet. He said, "no, he had never doubted." He was smarter than he was often given credit for, he loved to just be with people. I often thought it was his insecurity, I don't think that so much. I think he just really loved people and wanted to be with them. He felt a real "need" to stay connected to his siblings. So many of his phone calls were to each of them. He remembered details like no one else, he was an artist, he loved to laugh.
Even during those weeks which I know were so hard on him, he didn't complain much. He would be ornery about having to stay in bed, he wanted to be up. And yeah, there were times he was angry. I'm certain he didn't want to die, but he worried about us, enjoyed those who visited, called, were there. He really wanted to be involved with life.
Oh, how I miss that man!!! So as this week comes to two years, I have to say.....Steffen Ritchie, I love you 11.
No comments:
Post a Comment