Mid Week

Wow....today rain/snow mix and wind.  The one bright spot......the sun actually was out......for longer than a minute........our kitchen actually was bright, sunny, cheerful feeling.........I can honestly say, I wish it would last. :/

I find myself in a bad place.  A really bad place.  I can't put my finger on it.  Today a lot of tears.  No specific reason, just because. 

We are all doing OK.  David begins summer special olympics tonight.  He has a choice between basketball or track.  He decided track.  It is a first for him and his team.  He has been out a couple of times with a friend running at the high school track.  He's fast, loves it, and wants to be faster.

Leah had a job interview today.  She should know in a day or two.  She is hopeful.  Anna begins working next week.  She is thrilled.  She will be working towards college expenses.  She got online a few days ago to figure out tuition, housing, food.  Life is expensive so she's feeling the heat.  We have been joking a lot if it is wrong to pray to win the lottery?!  We decided it is.

I'm down to the hard part of school.  Less than 500 hours.  I want to be done, TODAY.  I'm so sick of being there everyday, sick of the politics, sick of keeping track of numbers, counting down.  I know all of it is part of life, but I'm tired.  I just want it over.

I am meeting with my advisor from the college.  He is going to help me game plan so maybe I can finish my bachelor's degree.  I want to.  I have to.  There are many hoops to jump through, but at this point I'm willing.  OK, so not so much willing, but feeling the pressure of needing to.  19 or so credits is much too close to walk away from. 

I can't honestly tell you how Nathan is.  I haven't seen or talked to him in a week.  Yesterday Leah picked me up from school and we saw Nathan walking down the street.  His PO called last night looking for him.  Nathan was suppose to check in with her.  I had no idea where he was, so I guess she made a few calls.  Unfortunately, Nathan is walking a very fine line between freedom and jail.  I am almost guessing the line was crossed and he lost freedom.  I'm not certain.  I debated calling the PO today, but decided she wouldn't be able to tell me much.

It makes me so sad.  I've been thinking a lot about my sweet Nathan.  Really, he was always the kid who got "it".  Whatever "it" is.  He understood his role in our family, took it very seriously, was easily reasoned with.  I wonder what happened to that kid.  I've decided I would take a houseful of babies over the adults who have come into my life. 

I really like the show "Teen Mom".  Last night as we watched the ending episode one of the girls said something along these lines, "When groceries have to be taken in, I do it.  When the laundry needs to be done, I do it.  When the baby needs to be feed or a bath,  I do it.  It is me doing it by myself, alone."  While my family is old enough to feed and dress themselves,  I can appreciate the "aloneness" of life.  It is harder than it seems or that I ever expected. 

Hopefully soon the sun will shine everyday.  I have to run.  David needs to get to his practice.  I hope today has been a good midweek day for you.