A very quiet day. My first Sunday in over 25 years to go to church alone. A very weird place to be. Someone asked how I was doing, I immediately teared up.
I'm sitting at the computer tonight, playing some stupid game that I seldom win. It is mindless and sometimes I need mindless in my life.
Every time I sit to play this game all sorts of things float through my mind. I usually end up crying my eyes out about one thing or another. I've almost got myself convinced I shouldn't play anymore, I don't need to make myself more depressed.
But tonight as I have sat here going over things words have come to my mind. Something which hasn't happened in some time. I decided to get them down while their fresh.
I am 46 years old. In a few months I will be 47. I wear glasses, have more gray hair than dark, carry a few too many extra pounds, live in a very small space, have a limited amount of education, and to top it off I'm a widow with four children.
I became a widow at 44. While that isn't as young as many women might be, it is still young, much tooooooo young. Today as I sat in Sacrament Meeting I was thinking of it.
Then I started thinking about my children. I cannot put into words how much I love my children. There just aren't enough words. Or my vocabulary doesn't have enough, or maybe it is just I can't explain it. I'm not really sure. But ohhhhh how I love them.
Along the way there have been good and bad which have happened. To me, to them, to all of us. But in the end we have each other. Something I am so grateful for.
Tonight as I sit here it occurs to me, everyone is carrying a burden. Something. Hurt, anger, sadness. bad choices, bad health, husbands, wives, children, neighbors, etc. Off the top of my head I think of my friend who expecting a baby, having complications, hoping she is able to finish school, then rest so her baby gets here. Another friend who is dealing with the uncertainty of a new place. Hurt which has left lasting marks, hopeful that good things will come along.
For some of us our burdens are visible. Mine are, always have been. But not every one's are. Many of us are masters at keeping them hidden, unknown. Others can't let anyone live without the whole world knowing what is going wrong in their lives. I'm not sure which is better.
But I do know one thing. Today in church I was taught that there isn't one thing which happens in my life that my Savior hasn't experienced. Every feeling I feel or have felt, so has he. And in the end he loves me. He gave himself as ransom for me. Even me.
Sometimes I forget. I seem to believe I'm the only one. Nothing like I am dealing with has happened to anyone on the planet. While I personally don't know anyone who is in their 40's and a widow. It has happened, does happen. I'm not alone in my struggle.
As I think of children who have chosen a different path I realize that I am not alone. Their are others who have experienced the same. I know my Heavenly Father must feel so much of the same angst over children who have chosen a different path. Only for him it has to be harder, he knows who those children are, what they are capable of.
I guess what I'm thinking, yes, we do need to be a little kinder to those around us. No we don't have any idea what they are experiencing. But we also need to be a little more tolerant of those around us. Believe me I've felt a lot of guilt over children. I've gone over things in my mind trying to figure out what I possibly did wrong. What did I do. I'm sure there's plenty.
But I don't have any reason to be "better" than someone else. We're all doing the best we can with what we have. And some days are better than others.
So tonight I think I will work harder to be kinder. Gentle. More patient. Less frustrated. It won't cost me a thing. Maybe in the end I will be better for it.
As I end tonight, it is dark, very quiet, David is sacked out on the couch with a bad headache, I've spent a large portion of this day alone. But I know, God lives. He loves me. Even me. And he loves you. Even you. He knows your burden. He will carry it for you. You just have to let him. Tonight I think I might be brave enough to ask him to carry mine.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Friday Night
It is just a few minutes past 6:00. David isn't home from work yet. I've been messing around on the computer, thinking about life, wondering if there was a way to give heaven a different phone number?!
Leah has been gone a week. She found a job. Is working in a department store at the mall. She thinks it is going to be just fine. They are being kind with her schedule. She will work just one Sunday a month. She explained she wanted to be able to go to church.
She's had a few interesting driving experiences. A small town girl lost in a big city. There have been plenty of phone calls. Too bad I don't know many of the places she's asked questions about. Thankfully she got some sense of direction. She'll be OK.
Anna has been around a bit lately. It isn't anywhere near "terrific", but it is better. I admit I miss her terribly. I keep thinking I just want her to come home. Sadly, I doubt she ever will.
Nathan continues his struggle. I'm not sure that he's hit rock bottom. I keep thinking he needs to before he can move upward. We've had some nice visits. He seems to realize there are changes to make. Hopefully he can.
David is working like crazy. He has state games in a few weeks. He is thrilled. I'm not sure if I will be able to go over to Boise for them. I am hoping to work it out.
I probably need to go. I have been terribly depressed this week. A lot going on. So little I can do to make it right. Tonight is Relay for Life, David is going for a bit, then he has a "date" with a friend from work. So I will be home alone. I have a couple of quilting projects to work on and a scrapbook I need to finish for my dad. I didn't get it finished for Father's Day.
So off I go, to finish projects and maybe even think on a few new ones. Happy Friday! Have a wonderful weekend.
Leah has been gone a week. She found a job. Is working in a department store at the mall. She thinks it is going to be just fine. They are being kind with her schedule. She will work just one Sunday a month. She explained she wanted to be able to go to church.
She's had a few interesting driving experiences. A small town girl lost in a big city. There have been plenty of phone calls. Too bad I don't know many of the places she's asked questions about. Thankfully she got some sense of direction. She'll be OK.
Anna has been around a bit lately. It isn't anywhere near "terrific", but it is better. I admit I miss her terribly. I keep thinking I just want her to come home. Sadly, I doubt she ever will.
Nathan continues his struggle. I'm not sure that he's hit rock bottom. I keep thinking he needs to before he can move upward. We've had some nice visits. He seems to realize there are changes to make. Hopefully he can.
David is working like crazy. He has state games in a few weeks. He is thrilled. I'm not sure if I will be able to go over to Boise for them. I am hoping to work it out.
I probably need to go. I have been terribly depressed this week. A lot going on. So little I can do to make it right. Tonight is Relay for Life, David is going for a bit, then he has a "date" with a friend from work. So I will be home alone. I have a couple of quilting projects to work on and a scrapbook I need to finish for my dad. I didn't get it finished for Father's Day.
So off I go, to finish projects and maybe even think on a few new ones. Happy Friday! Have a wonderful weekend.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Last Night
Tomorrow morning Leah heads east. Sadly.
The car is packed. It is loaded to the gills. The house feels empty. The closet has been cleaned out. The walls have lost a few of their pretties. But tonight one young woman is safely sleeping, ready to embark on a new journey.
I keep thinking she should only be about 6, maybe 7. But she's grown. A woman of her own. She's had a lot of experiences in life. She is more sure of herself. More determined. Ready for something new. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Anna came over tonight. For the first time in weeks, my Anna was here. The beautiful, determined, smart daughter. Oh, how I have missed her. I pray she returns again.
I hugged her tight. Told her how much I love her. Tonight prayed the light will be able to return for her.
As this day ends I have just 32 days of school left. WOW!!!! If I hadn't been sick so much in May, I would be A LOT closer, but, oh well, life happens.
I have no idea what I'm doing after school. When I'm taking boards, where I will work. Honestly, I keep trying to figure out why in the world I needed to go to beauty school. I still don't have the answers. Maybe someday I will. Hopefully. Like tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. Right now??
In just a few days it will be 21/2 years since Steffen left us. David asked if we could drive through the cemetery tonight. We did. It seems a lifetime ago he was here. I can't bring his voice to my memory. How I wish he would call, say, "hello,dear". Or call me, "Dawnie".
Life was not perfect. It was hard. A lot. Often. So often. But tonight as the kids and I sat for a few minutes in the cemetery we laughed about the things he would say or do. Like go to the store for eggs, be gone for hours, come home with no eggs. He had seen at least a billion people he knew and had caught up with everyone.
Or how he knew the history of nearly every family in town. His stupid jokes. No one laughed at them. Steffen did. He thought he was much funnier than he really was. Or how the radio would be blasting and he was singing words to songs that were not the words to the song on the radio. In actuality probably not the words to any song on any radio at anytime. How he would see someone and say "hey, they look like so and so." In reality, they looked nothing like so and so.
How I miss Steff. But I know he will be watching over his daughter. Making sure she's safe. In her travels. In her new life. Just in general. I know he's proud of her.
So tonight, the end of an era. Once upon a time there were six. Now there are just two. I love you, LeahRee. Go safely. I will miss you.
The car is packed. It is loaded to the gills. The house feels empty. The closet has been cleaned out. The walls have lost a few of their pretties. But tonight one young woman is safely sleeping, ready to embark on a new journey.
I keep thinking she should only be about 6, maybe 7. But she's grown. A woman of her own. She's had a lot of experiences in life. She is more sure of herself. More determined. Ready for something new. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Anna came over tonight. For the first time in weeks, my Anna was here. The beautiful, determined, smart daughter. Oh, how I have missed her. I pray she returns again.
I hugged her tight. Told her how much I love her. Tonight prayed the light will be able to return for her.
As this day ends I have just 32 days of school left. WOW!!!! If I hadn't been sick so much in May, I would be A LOT closer, but, oh well, life happens.
I have no idea what I'm doing after school. When I'm taking boards, where I will work. Honestly, I keep trying to figure out why in the world I needed to go to beauty school. I still don't have the answers. Maybe someday I will. Hopefully. Like tomorrow. Or maybe tonight. Right now??
In just a few days it will be 21/2 years since Steffen left us. David asked if we could drive through the cemetery tonight. We did. It seems a lifetime ago he was here. I can't bring his voice to my memory. How I wish he would call, say, "hello,dear". Or call me, "Dawnie".
Life was not perfect. It was hard. A lot. Often. So often. But tonight as the kids and I sat for a few minutes in the cemetery we laughed about the things he would say or do. Like go to the store for eggs, be gone for hours, come home with no eggs. He had seen at least a billion people he knew and had caught up with everyone.
Or how he knew the history of nearly every family in town. His stupid jokes. No one laughed at them. Steffen did. He thought he was much funnier than he really was. Or how the radio would be blasting and he was singing words to songs that were not the words to the song on the radio. In actuality probably not the words to any song on any radio at anytime. How he would see someone and say "hey, they look like so and so." In reality, they looked nothing like so and so.
How I miss Steff. But I know he will be watching over his daughter. Making sure she's safe. In her travels. In her new life. Just in general. I know he's proud of her.
So tonight, the end of an era. Once upon a time there were six. Now there are just two. I love you, LeahRee. Go safely. I will miss you.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
David
David lost his phone. Not surprising. Really. Not for one second.
He had Special Olympics lastnight. Usually he catches a ride with someone. Lastnight he asked if I would drive him. I agreed. He's doing track and field, so of course practice is at the high school track.
We got there. David jumped out to hit the track. I settled in with my HUGE book to enjoy a few moments of quiet reading.
It was super windy yesterday. Practice was short because of it. At one point David came back to the car looking for something. When I asked him what he needed he said he was just looking for something he needed to return to a friend.
It finally occured to me something wasn't quite right. I went to the track. Asked David and his friend what was up. Had the phone been lost. Yes, they both answered. They had been around the track about five times looking. Nothing. No phone. Gone. Vanished.
I agreed to help look so the friend could go. David and I walked around the track again. David didn't remember if he had put it with his Gatorade or if it has slipped out of his pocket. We went around the track again. Slowly. Looking. Finding nothing.
We decided to leave. Agreed someone probably picked it up by mistake. It was most likely sitting next to the Gatorade and someone just picked it up.
Once in the car. David is nearly in tears. I admit I wanted to be mad. Really mad. Really, really mad. But as I watched my son slumped over in the passenger seat trying hard to keep the tears at bay, I realized, it's just a phone. It can be replaced. We have an old on he can use. It isn't perfect, but it works.
I found myself reassuring him, it isn't a big deal. It's ok. Don't worry about it. We'll make some calls, it will turn up. It was an accident.
Funny how that works. I am so the person who reacts, doesn't usually think too much. How grateful I am that this time I didn't react. David all ready felt terrible. How would my anger have helped him?
Life is like that. So much of what we're slumped over in the passenger seat nearly in tears about; it's just a phone, it can be replaced, it isn't a big deal, it's ok, don't worry, we'll figure it out. I wonder if Heavenly Father is saying those same things to me?
PS: do you remember last summer? Kids my boys went to high school with lost their baby girl? This week their new parents to a baby boy. While it doesn't take away the pain of losing a child, it does bring the comfort of arms around a new baby. :)
He had Special Olympics lastnight. Usually he catches a ride with someone. Lastnight he asked if I would drive him. I agreed. He's doing track and field, so of course practice is at the high school track.
We got there. David jumped out to hit the track. I settled in with my HUGE book to enjoy a few moments of quiet reading.
It was super windy yesterday. Practice was short because of it. At one point David came back to the car looking for something. When I asked him what he needed he said he was just looking for something he needed to return to a friend.
It finally occured to me something wasn't quite right. I went to the track. Asked David and his friend what was up. Had the phone been lost. Yes, they both answered. They had been around the track about five times looking. Nothing. No phone. Gone. Vanished.
I agreed to help look so the friend could go. David and I walked around the track again. David didn't remember if he had put it with his Gatorade or if it has slipped out of his pocket. We went around the track again. Slowly. Looking. Finding nothing.
We decided to leave. Agreed someone probably picked it up by mistake. It was most likely sitting next to the Gatorade and someone just picked it up.
Once in the car. David is nearly in tears. I admit I wanted to be mad. Really mad. Really, really mad. But as I watched my son slumped over in the passenger seat trying hard to keep the tears at bay, I realized, it's just a phone. It can be replaced. We have an old on he can use. It isn't perfect, but it works.
I found myself reassuring him, it isn't a big deal. It's ok. Don't worry about it. We'll make some calls, it will turn up. It was an accident.
Funny how that works. I am so the person who reacts, doesn't usually think too much. How grateful I am that this time I didn't react. David all ready felt terrible. How would my anger have helped him?
Life is like that. So much of what we're slumped over in the passenger seat nearly in tears about; it's just a phone, it can be replaced, it isn't a big deal, it's ok, don't worry, we'll figure it out. I wonder if Heavenly Father is saying those same things to me?
PS: do you remember last summer? Kids my boys went to high school with lost their baby girl? This week their new parents to a baby boy. While it doesn't take away the pain of losing a child, it does bring the comfort of arms around a new baby. :)
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