New Address

Finally......new blog address.......onemothers-story.blogspot.com

Hello, Again

During these months there have been so few words.  I have debated this blog, continue, don't continue, start a new one, keep the old.   You can guess which won.

Life has been an adventure.  Putting it mildly.  We've moved, I've finished school, started working, Anna is working, David has been busy with Walmart and Special Olympics, Nathan continues his battle, Leah is still in KC, has passed Idaho state boards.  In general, we're just chugging on like the rest of you.

I'll try to give an overview, let you in on how we are.  David continues to be sweet David.  He is working like crazy, just finished Special Olympics for fall.  He did bowling, which is something new for him.  He didn't do well during practice.  Surprising since sports is such a natural thing for him.  But at area games he did well, won the first game, then got a second place ribbon.  He was so excited.  There's a bit of a break for now, in January floor hockey begins.    He has talked to his bishop about going to the temple, the bishop is checking into it, so David is just waiting to hear.

Nathan continues his struggle.  Some days I feel like he's actually figuring things out, then there's a point where I'm not certain that he can.  He's working, which is good.  I'm not sure what the future holds.  This is a time I would like to have a magic wand, one that actually works.  No such luck. 

Leah continues to live with Grandpa.  She came home for a week to take her state boards (FINALLY)  She passed and is thrilled.  She will get a Missouri license, as well, and probably a Kansas one.  She isn't sure where she wants to work.  It will take about 4 weeks or so to get all the licensing in place.  She debates coming back to Idaho.  But has decided to stay put.  She and Grandpa have gotten to know each other well.  Leah says it would be hard to leave him.

Anna is working like crazy.  She bought a car in August and is finding out how expensive that whole deal is.  She is trying to decide what she wants to do.  Her choices are paramedic, nursing, or interior design/architecture.  Honestly I see her as an artist much more than anything else, but she keeps going away from that.  Who knows how it will all work out?!

I am working full time.  I work at the mall.  Nothing exciting.  I don't mind my job, I just don't like retail well.  I also work weekday mornings at an elementary school as a 2nd grade aide.  It is something I have never done before.  I am enjoying it.  I work for two different teachers.  I didn't realize how hard a teacher's job is.  Now that I know, I am so grateful for all they do.

This Thanksgiving will be a different one.  David and Anna both have to work all day.  So I'm not sure what we're doing about dinner.  Nathan said he would go to the morning program with me which is our family tradition.

I think that gives a good update on us. 

I also feel like I'm ready to write again.  I'm not certain how often this will be updated.  I work a ton, it is going into a busy time, we don't have a computer at home, so I'll do the best I can. 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hello Again

Hello.......again.........I am alive.  Life has been a crazy, out of control ride for these weeks.  I'm not certain things have settled down, but we're working on it.

The biggest news. I finished school!!!!  Whew.........I have six theory hours to make up, exit interviews to do, but I have completed my state requirements on haircuts, colors, nails, waxing, etc.  Such a good feeling.  I am not certain when I'm taking my licensing test.  I had planned on October, but we'll see.  Again, all the other "stuff" which is clouding my life.

The second biggest news.  We moved.  Not far.  Just across town.  We're in a larger place.  It isn't too bad.  I have to admit I like having space for all of our junk.  But it is problematic, David has to be driven back and forth from work.  He hates it as much as I do.  But we'll get used to it.

I guess I should really say the biggest news......Anna moved home.  What a sweet moment.  It feels good to have her there.  I'm not sure David is thrilled to have Anna giving him a bad time, they seem to go back and forth a lot, but it feels nice to have another person in my world. 

Leah continues her journey in the Midwest.  It has been an adventure at best. She and Grandpa are doing fine. 

Nathan continues his struggle.  I saw him for a few minutes yesterday.  He looks good.  Better than the last time I saw him.  We chatted for a bit.  I have no idea what the future holds, but I pray he figures it out.  Things continue to be so past the point of my helping. 

David began soccer for Special Olympics two weeks ago.  He is thrilled.  Me, not so thrilled.  He went floating with a friend last week.  I'm not certain where they floated.  David said somewhere in Rigby.  I'm surprised he went.  He does not like water at all.  He keeps bugging me about a road trip.  Hopefully we can figure something out soon.

Life moves on.  I'm not sure how much I'll keep this up to date.  I've considered giving up or starting a new one.  I'm not sure which I will decide to do, so be patient. 


Happy Tuesday. 

love

The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone. Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete. This love is unconditional affection with no limits or conditions: completely loving someone. It's when you trust the other with your life and when you would do anything for each other. When you love someone you want nothing more than for them to be truly happy no matter what it takes because that's how much you care about them and because their needs come before your own. You hide nothing of yourself and can tell the other anything because you know they accept you just the way you are and vice versa. It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. Love involves wanting to show your affection and/or devotion to each other. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them. Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go. One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love. -Sophocles

Wednesday

I haven't forgotten about this place.  As you can tell I've changed things around a bit.  I've come here from time to time.  Looked things over.  Left without saying a word.  I haven't had any.

Today is one of those days.  The kind where if the pressure doesn't kill me I might make it to the next thing.  While I'm not going to do this.....I read a news article this morning about a mother who killed herself and her three children.  I repeat.....I AM NOT GOING TO DO THIS.........

But there is part of me which understands.  I can see why.....the pressure, the uncertainty, the feeling of there being no other way.  I can't remember how old the children were.  Just that they were young.  I feel terrible that a mother felt there was no other way.  But I can see why she felt that way.

I am nearly done with school.  I have 9-11 days left.  It depends on who you talk to about how much time I have left.  Or how off the counting of my hours are.  Or perhaps, how many hours I make up.  Mostly just how soon "they" decide to release me from hell.

When the voice came to me to go to beauty school I fought against as hard as I could.  It didn't work.  You can plainly tell who won.  When I first started school I was excited.  As time has moved forward the excitement left.  In its place  the questions began as to why I was there.  It is clearly outside my comfort zone.   I am not thrilled being in school with young women.  Honestly, I don't like them.  Or at least very many of them.  It has been harder than I expected to be taught by young women my kids ages.  While a few are quite good at what they do.......there are some who are just trying to move up the ladder.  I'm not a ladder mover, so I don't really get that......

All I can really say, I am sooooo looking forward for it being over.  I'm not sure when I'm taking my licensing exam.  Maybe September, but maybe not til October.  Who knows?  I really don't care.

Life is hard right now.  While I have been through some really hard things, this seems to take the cake.  I'm ready for some breathing room.  I wonder if there is such a thing.   Life moves on.  David has state games for Special Olympics this weekend.  Today he came to get his hair cut.  A friend helped me use a tool called "tattoo".  We put the Special Olympics symbol in David's hair.  It looks cool and he is thrilled.  Nathan continues on.  Leah is finding her place in the Midwest.  She loves her singles branch, is figuring out where she's going a bit more.  Anna, well, she continues on. 

Sometime in these next few days it will be four years since Steffen was first diagnosised with Congestive Heart Failure.  Hard to believe.  Many things forgotten.  Many things which will never be.  Tonight, I miss him.  I could use a good dose of stupid jokes, a little gossip, or perhaps, just a long chat.

The Star-Spangled Banner

Francis Scott Key, a young poet-lawyer, witnessed the bombardment of Fort McHenry while under British guard on an American truce ship in the Patapsco River. Seeing his country's flag still flying over the Fort the next morning, he was moved to pen these immortal lines:



O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming!
And the rockets's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there:
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?
On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe's haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o'er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, half conceals, half discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the mornings' first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines on the stream:
'Tis the star-spangled banner! O long may it wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle's confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has washed out their foul footsteps pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!
O thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved homes and the war's desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heaven-rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation
Then conquer we must when our cause it is just
And this be our motto: "In God is our trust."
And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

Mercy

mer·cy

 

1.

compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power; compassion, pity, or benevolence:

2.

the disposition to be compassionate or forbearing:

3.

the discretionary power of a judge to pardon someone or to mitigate punishment, especially to send to prison rather than invoke thedeath penalty

Sunday

A very quiet day.  My first Sunday in over 25 years to go to church alone.  A very weird place to be.  Someone asked how I was doing, I immediately teared up.  

I'm sitting at the computer tonight, playing some stupid game that I seldom win.  It is mindless and sometimes I need mindless in my life. 

Every time I sit to play this game all sorts of things float through my mind.  I usually end up crying my eyes out about one thing or another.  I've almost got myself convinced I shouldn't play anymore, I don't need to make myself more depressed.

But tonight as I have sat here going over things words have come to my mind.  Something which hasn't happened in some time.  I decided to get them down while their fresh.

I am 46 years old.  In a few months I will be 47.  I wear glasses, have more gray hair than dark, carry a few too many extra pounds, live in a very small space, have a limited amount of education, and to top it off I'm a widow with four children.

I became a widow at 44.  While that isn't as young as many women might be, it is still young, much tooooooo young.  Today as I sat in Sacrament Meeting I was thinking of it.  

Then I started thinking about my children.  I cannot put into words how much I love my children.  There just aren't enough words.  Or my vocabulary doesn't have enough, or maybe it is just I can't explain it.  I'm not really sure.  But ohhhhh how I love them.

Along the way there have been good and bad which have happened.  To me, to them, to all of us.  But in the end we have each other.  Something I am so grateful for.

Tonight as I sit here it occurs to me, everyone is carrying a burden.  Something.  Hurt, anger, sadness. bad choices, bad health, husbands, wives, children, neighbors, etc.  Off the top of my head I think of my friend who expecting a baby, having complications, hoping she is able to finish school, then rest so her baby gets here.  Another friend who is dealing with the uncertainty of a new place.  Hurt which has left lasting marks, hopeful that good things will come along.

For some of us our burdens are visible.  Mine are, always have been.  But not every one's are.  Many of us are masters at keeping them hidden, unknown.  Others can't let anyone live without the whole world knowing what is going wrong in their lives.  I'm not sure which is better.

But  I do know one thing.  Today in church I was taught that there isn't one thing which happens in my life that my Savior hasn't experienced.  Every feeling I feel or have felt, so has he.  And in the end he loves me.  He gave himself as ransom for me.  Even me.

Sometimes I forget.  I seem to believe I'm the only one.  Nothing like I am dealing with has happened to anyone on the planet.  While I personally don't know anyone who is in their 40's and a widow.  It has happened, does happen.  I'm not alone in my struggle.

As I think of children who have chosen a different path I realize that I am not alone.  Their are others who have experienced the same.   I know my Heavenly Father must feel so much of the same angst over children who have chosen a different path.  Only for him it has to be harder, he knows who those children are, what they are capable of.

I guess what I'm thinking, yes, we do need to be a little kinder to those around us.  No we don't have any idea what they are experiencing.  But we also need to be a little more tolerant of those around us.  Believe me I've felt a lot of guilt over children.  I've gone over things in my mind trying to figure out what I possibly did wrong.  What did I do.  I'm sure there's plenty. 

But I don't have any reason to be "better" than someone else.  We're all doing the best we can with what we have.  And some days are better than others. 

So tonight I think I will work harder to be kinder.  Gentle.  More patient.  Less frustrated.  It won't cost me a thing.  Maybe in the end I will be better for it.

As I end tonight, it is dark, very quiet, David is sacked out on the couch with a bad headache, I've spent a large portion of this day alone.  But I know, God lives.  He loves me.  Even me. And he loves you.  Even you.  He knows your burden.  He will carry it for you.  You just have to let him.  Tonight I think I might be brave enough to ask him to carry mine.

 This is from October, 2008.  Considering he felt terrible that day, he doesn't really look too bad.  Yesterday was 21/2 years since he left us.  Hard to believe so much time has flown by.

Friday Night

It is just a few minutes past 6:00.  David isn't home from work yet.  I've been messing around on the computer, thinking about life, wondering if there was a way to give heaven a different phone number?!

Leah has been gone a week.  She found a job.  Is working in a department store at the mall.  She thinks it is going to be just fine.  They are being kind with her schedule.  She will work just one Sunday a month.  She explained she wanted to be able to go to church.

She's had a few interesting driving experiences.  A small town girl lost in a big city.  There have been plenty of phone calls.  Too bad I don't know many of the places she's asked questions about.  Thankfully she got some sense of direction.  She'll be OK. 

Anna has been around a bit lately.  It isn't anywhere near "terrific", but it is better.  I admit I miss her terribly.  I keep thinking I just want her to come home.  Sadly, I doubt she ever will.

Nathan continues his struggle.  I'm not sure that he's hit rock bottom.  I keep thinking he needs to before he can move upward.  We've had some nice visits.  He seems to realize there are changes to make.  Hopefully he can.

David is working like crazy.  He has state games in a few weeks.  He is thrilled.  I'm not sure if I will be able to go over to Boise for them.  I am hoping to work it out.

I probably need to go.  I have been terribly depressed this week.  A lot going on.  So little I can do to make it right.  Tonight is Relay for Life, David is going for a bit, then he has a "date" with a friend from work.  So I will be home alone.  I have a couple of quilting projects to work on and a scrapbook I need to finish for my dad.  I didn't get  it finished for Father's Day.

So off I go, to finish projects and maybe even think on a few new ones.  Happy Friday!  Have a wonderful weekend.

LeahRee

1993

The Last Night

Tomorrow morning Leah heads east.  Sadly. 

The car is packed.  It is loaded to the gills.  The house feels empty.  The closet has been cleaned out.  The walls have lost a few of their pretties.  But tonight one young woman is safely sleeping, ready to embark on a new journey.

I keep thinking she should only be about 6, maybe 7.  But she's grown.  A woman of her own.  She's had a lot of experiences in life.  She is more sure of herself.  More determined.  Ready for something new.  I wouldn't want it any other way.

Anna came over tonight.  For the first time in weeks, my Anna was here.  The beautiful, determined, smart daughter.  Oh, how I have missed her.  I pray she returns again.

I hugged her tight.  Told her how much I love her.  Tonight prayed the light will be able to return for her.

As this day ends I have just 32 days of school left.  WOW!!!!  If I hadn't been sick so much in May, I would be A LOT closer, but, oh well, life happens.

I have no idea what I'm doing after school.  When I'm taking boards, where I will work.  Honestly, I keep trying to figure out why in the world I needed to go to beauty school.  I still don't have the answers.  Maybe someday I will.  Hopefully.  Like tomorrow.  Or maybe tonight.  Right now??

In just a few days it will be 21/2 years since Steffen left us.  David asked if we could drive through the cemetery tonight.  We did.  It seems a lifetime ago he was here.  I can't bring his voice to my memory.  How I wish he would call, say, "hello,dear".  Or call me, "Dawnie". 

Life was not perfect.  It was hard.  A lot.  Often.  So often.  But tonight as the kids and I sat for a few minutes in the cemetery we laughed about the things he would say or do.  Like go to the store for eggs, be gone for hours, come home with no eggs.  He had seen at least a billion people he knew and had caught up with everyone.

Or how he knew the history of nearly every family in town.  His stupid jokes.  No one laughed at them.   Steffen did.  He thought he was much funnier than he really was.  Or how the radio would be blasting and he was singing words to songs that were not the words to the song on the radio. In actuality probably not the words to any song on any radio at anytime.  How he would see someone and say "hey, they look like so and so."  In reality, they looked nothing like so and so. 

How I miss Steff.  But I know he will be watching over his daughter.  Making sure she's safe.  In her travels.  In her new life.  Just in general.  I know he's proud of her. 

So tonight, the end of an era.  Once upon a time there were six.  Now there are just two.  I love you, LeahRee.   Go safely.  I will miss you.

David

David lost his phone.  Not surprising.  Really.  Not for one second. 

He had Special Olympics lastnight.  Usually he catches a ride with someone.  Lastnight he asked if I would drive him.  I agreed.   He's doing track and field, so of course practice is at the high school track. 

We got there.  David jumped out to hit the track.  I settled in with my HUGE book to enjoy a few moments of quiet reading.

It was super windy yesterday.  Practice was short because of it.  At one point David came back to the car looking for something.  When I asked him what he needed he said he was just looking for something he needed to return to a friend.

It finally occured to me something wasn't quite right.  I went to the track.  Asked David and his friend what was up.  Had the phone been lost.  Yes, they both answered.  They had been around the track about five times looking.  Nothing.  No phone.  Gone.  Vanished.

I agreed to help look so the friend could go.  David and I walked around the track again.  David didn't remember if he had put it with his Gatorade or if it has slipped out of his pocket.  We went around the track again.  Slowly.  Looking.  Finding nothing.

We decided to leave.  Agreed someone probably picked it up by mistake.  It was most likely sitting next to the Gatorade and someone just picked it up.

Once in the car.  David is nearly in tears.  I admit I wanted to be mad.  Really mad.  Really, really mad.  But as I watched my son slumped over in the passenger seat trying hard to keep the tears at bay, I realized, it's just a phone.  It can be replaced.  We have an old on he can use.  It isn't perfect, but it works.

I found myself reassuring him, it isn't a big deal.  It's ok.  Don't worry about it.  We'll make some calls, it will turn up.  It was an accident.

Funny how that works.  I am so the person who reacts, doesn't usually think too much.  How grateful I am that this time I didn't react.  David all ready felt terrible.  How would my anger have helped him?

Life is like that.  So much of what we're slumped over in the passenger seat nearly in tears about; it's just a phone, it can be replaced, it isn't a big deal, it's ok, don't worry, we'll figure it out.   I wonder if Heavenly Father is saying those same things to me?




PS:  do you remember last summer? Kids my boys went to high school with lost their baby girl?  This week their new parents to a baby boy.  While it doesn't take away the pain of losing a child, it does bring the comfort of arms around a new baby.  :)

Busy, Busy

This evening we've been working on my dad's Father's Day gift.  We are making him a small photo album.  I bought craft paper, have cut it smaller, putting photos on each page.  Actually several photos on each page.

I wanted it to be a lot of David's Special Olympic stuff.  We went to Walmart to printed out a bunch of photos.  When we got home I mentioned that I wished I knew where the photos of Mom and Dad were. The first few years we lived here they came to visit.  We made  trips to Yellowstone.  Took the kids to the park.  I wanted to add in a few photos of my mom.

Leah begins going through a box of photos.  I think she picked out about 50 or 60 more photos she felt needed to be added.  I vetoed some of that.  We both went back through the stack trying to eliminate photos.  We managed to, but still have A LOT of photos to copy.  This darn book is going to be 100's of pages.  I just hope we can get it done by Friday.  I want to send it with Leah.

Someday I really need to get with the program and actually deal with the zillions of photos I have, plus maybe find somewhere to get all the disposable cameras developed that I have.  I going through a box tonight I think there were a few more in there.  I might be scared by what I find.

I did have a good laugh seeing photos of the boys when they were babies.  A photo of Leah in the bed with Anna in her arms right after Anna is born.  So funny.  One of my favorites is with Nathan and Leah.  Nathan is probably 3, so Leah would be 1.  They are sitting in lawn chairs on my parents deck.  Nathan is looking at Leah LAUGHING like crazy.  Oh, those were the days.  :/

Some of the most precious, Grandma Pat visiting after Anna was born.  A photo of her with my four babies the morning before she left.  Grandma Ritchie gently placing Anna in Leah's arms at the hospital.  Such memories.

I'm in a reflective mood.  I guess life changing, yet again, does that to me.   Tonight I'm so grateful for my family.  These last several months have been so hard.  Probably some of the worst.  But I am grateful for them.  I can't imagine one moment without them.

The Last Week

This is Leah's last week at home.  Saturday begins her journey to a new place.  She has packed all she can, loaded the car, said time and time again she can't believe it is time, and really is almost as excited as a 6 year old for Christmas. 

Hard to believe.  I'm excited for her.  Really, I am.  She needs this adventure.  This time to grow.  But I'm sad.  Sad that I don't have a houseful of kids, dogs, cats.  A life that needs tending to.  I mean, I do have a life, I am aware I do.  But you know what I mean.  Tonight is a prime example.  David is playing his new Xbox game he got.  I'm messing around on the computer. 

We had dinner guests tonight.  I seldom invite anyone over.   But on the occasion I do I'm always so glad to do it.  I have some secret thing where I like setting the table and showing off that I actually possess nice dishes, tablecloths, can really cook something beyond mac and cheese.

Anyway, we had friends over.  It was so nice.  We had a good visit.  Enjoyed getting to know each other better.  Now I need to do this more often.  Really I do.

Tonight as I sit here thinking over this day, I can't help but think of how grateful I am for so many things.  Peace, safety, comfort.

It is always so interesting to me how in life we often have those moments where our breath is taken away.  But some power moves us forward, we are able to do what needs to be done.  Over this last week that has been the case.  Again I am able to get out of bed, get dressed, and actually think.  So this night, I am grateful for comfort.  It comes in many forms.  Right now, for me, it comes in the form of peace that all will be well.  I can't think of it any other way.

David, Nathan October 2008

Saturday Night

I'm so sad.  I can't get youtube to work.  Ok, so not really.  I can't get youtube videos loaded here.  I've been looking for something funny to add.  So this is my suggestion for fun.  Go to youtube.  Type in Carol Burnett and you will have zillions of video choices.  Bluppers, flubs, Gone With the Wind.  (do you remember that???) 

I spent a long time the other night messing around.  When I was a kid Saturday nights were so fun.  Carol Burnett ended the day.  Anyway, so I can't get something here.  But have fun picking your own video to watch.

Oh, yeah, this week another missionary entered the field and a new baby born in our extended family.  And my dad told me I was getting old. (Because David had a birthday.)  I told Dad to speak for himself. :)  He just laughed and told me I am getting old. 

Today the sun was shining.  The wind wasn't blowing.  I found a new store I am in love with.  I can't find fabric I need for a new project I want to work on.  And I realize that loving someone means loving them even when it is hard.


PS:  Someone is living in the country house.   I think they are renting it.  Seems sort of weird to think someone else is living in "our" house.  But I'm glad. 

Thursday Night

It's sort of late.  Just 11:00.  For some reason late nights have become the norm for me.  I'm so tired.  Go to bed.  Can't sleep.  Or wake up at some unearthly hour debating if I should just get up for the day.  Either way it sucks.

Another day where I found out I have more hours than I thought.  HURRAY!!!  I really am keeping track (or at least trying to)  So I'm not sure how I get off so easily.  So I have one day more than I thought.  Yippee! 

It has been a rough week.  A lot going on.  So tonight as I sit here thinking what I could be grateful for.  What might be a good thing to think on.  I am grateful for the priesthood.  David gave me a blessing tonight.  I am grateful he is able to do that.  He is a good boy and I am one lucky mom.

I saw this saying on a plaque today.  "If God brings you to it He will bring you through it."  I have no idea where it comes from.  But I like it. 

Happy Thursday Night.

Sunday, June 5th

Got sidetracked yesterday.  David's birthday.  25.

We went to Stake Conference.  Dinner, presents, hanging out together for the afternoon.  It was such a good day.  Anna even came. 

Hard to believe David is 25.  What a good kid he is.  I am so grateful to be David's mom.  Can't imagine one minute of my life without him.